How to Tackle Self-Doubt

You know that feeling you wake up and there's this weight on your chest before you've even opened your eyes Something happened yesterday or last week and now your brain is telling you that you don't belong here That you're not good enough that everyone is about to find out Well today I'm getting a bit vulnerable about a morning just like that and what actually helps when you're in it Hey everyone, I'm Shane Leaning Welcome to education leaders the trap-topping leadership podcast for school leaders Just like you as an organizational coach I've helped thousands of leaders worldwide leave with greater confidence make better decisions and create winning teams And on this show we explore the strategies that are going to help you achieve your goals and transform your leadership This episode is supported by teaching walkthroughs and the international curriculum association. Stay tuned to learn more So I'm gonna be honest with you today I woke up recently feeling pretty terrible about myself and I don't mean just tired I mean that really heavy sickly feeling in my chest where everything just seeped away Deadlines didn't matter priorities didn't matter. I just wanted to set fire to everything and hide The thing is I hadn't actually done anything wrong. I'd completed a bit of work. It wasn't my absolute best

You want the disaster wasn't a failure just not on the level I hold myself to and one of the people I'd worked who seemed a little bit less than thrilled on it But my brain didn't go to that piece of work could have been better. I went straight to I don't belong here They're gonna tell everyone I'm not very good. They'll probably regret ever even working with me Does that sound familiar? Well, I thought it might I shared a bit of a video on this on LinkedIn and The response blew me away a bit person after person saying me too One comment story me was from Paul Ainsworth actually He said it's one of the challenges of being high-performing that you give yourself a much harder time when you don't meet those standards Even when the work would still have been good for most people and that hit home a bit So let's talk about what's actually happening when we're in that space and what helps us to climb out of it So one of my heroes Brennae brows she spent decades researching this and she makes a distinction that I think about quite a lot actually the difference between shame and guilt Guilt says I did something bad. Shane says I am bad

That morning. I wasn't thinking that piece of work wasn't my best. I was thinking I don't belong here That's not a guilt about behavior That is shame about my identity and the research is so clear on this shame is correlated with depression anxiety Addiction all the things we don't want guilt though is inversely correlated the ability to say I made a mistake without becoming I am a mistake is actually Protective. I love our Brennae Brown talks about how shame shows up in the body for her It's tunnel vision dry mouth tingling out bits for me Well, it's heaviness in the chest a bit of a sickly feeling and urge to bury myself in a hole and not come out Kevin Smith replied to my post as well He described it like hitting as a ton of bricks, especially when it strikes in the middle of the night Those feelings don't often politely arrived during office hours today, but recognizing it physically I think he's the first step because when you can name it when you can say ah, this is Shane talking You've already created a little bit of distance from it. It helped me a bit

Adam Grant who's organizational psychologist. He has this line. I like in the book called think again He says that you don't have to believe everything you think I Love that Thoughts and emotions are just those first drafts. He says let me tell you this story I was making up in my head that morning. The person thinks I'm terrible. They regret working with me

They're gonna tell everyone. I'm not very good. They'll never want to collaborate again The reality is we've had one short conversation. They've been busy. I've been busy

We hadn't really been in close contact for a few months. That's it. That's the data My brain had taken that limited information and constructed this entire narrative about my professional demise And the thing is I reckon most of the stories we tell ourselves about what others are thinking Are actually completely made up because we're not mind readers. Are we we're just scared humans We just fill the blanks with those worst fears One of the replies I got I put it really perfectly actually Jim Gordon He said to me that story you're telling yourself is not one you need to believe or follow And my co-author Ephraim always points out wisdom to me He said so I will always recognize that it's always easier to be objective when it's someone else's situation We've never talked to a colleague in the way we talk to ourself in these moments Interestingly Adam Grant also talks about imposter syndrome. He reframes it in a way. I find quite useful

He says imposter syndrome isn't a sign you're unqualified. It's a sign of hidden potential when you think others are overestimating you It's more likely you're underestimating yourself. They've got an outside view. They can see capacity for growth that is invisible to you yet And of course, I've got to mention Stephen Covey's work here as well because that's really helped me in his butt the speed of trust He breaks down trust into two components Character and competence have talked about it on the pod before character is about your integrity your intent your values Competence is about your capability and results and both matter for trust But what he points out is interesting competence is situational. You're not going to nail every piece of work

You're not going to be at your best every single day. That's just not how life works character on the other hand It's a bit more constant, isn't it how you show up regardless of the circumstance? So that morning instead of spiraling about the quality of the work, I started asking different questions How did I show up in my character through this whole project? Well, I know I planned carefully I was transparent throughout when it was clear the work wasn't landing perfectly. I didn't hide I didn't make excuses

I hope I brought curiosity to the moment and I reflected honestly with the people involved about what worked and what didn't I I reached out and I move things forward. So the competence might not been perfect But I reckon my character is pretty solid and that distinction matters a lot I had a choice in that moment. I could have plowed through I could have pretended everything was fine I could have never acknowledged that it wasn't my best work That might have even be more comfortable in the short term and I reckon some leaders do that But transparency is one of my core values. So I was honest even though it was uncomfortable Even though it meant sitting with the vulnerability of saying this could have been better Leaders tell me all the time that they struggle to find a practical way to get evidence informed practice into every classroom And that's where teaching walkthroughs come in They transform the most effective teaching techniques into five-step visual guides that are actually easy to follow And what happens when your team use them? Well enthusiasm spreads teachers improve their craft and they genuinely love using them

And I do too. That's why I'm proud to be a consultant for teaching walkthroughs You can find out more at walkthroughs.co.uk or using the links in the show notes This episode is supported by the international curriculum association The ICA have been around for 30 years now championing quality unlocking potential and improving learning in international schools And what I really love is that right at their core is the model for improving learning This is a model focused on the learning experience and they have got tons of great curriculum materials PD resources and even an accreditation pathway for schools just like yours if you're interested head to internationalcurriculum.com

So what do you actually do when you wake up in that headspace? Well First what I would do is recognize it physically For me, it's that chest for you. It might be something else but notice it name it. Ah, this is shame This is my brain telling me that i'm bad. Not that I did something imperfect

Second try get out your head for me. That meant a walk and a conversation with someone I trust And not just anyone for me someone who's supportive and also willing to tell me the truth. My wife emma is brilliant at this She's not just going to soothe me. She'll reflect back. Honestly what she sees. I love that

And I also have a few professional contacts. I can reach out to two people who will give me a reality check Brendan Brown even talks about this. She says shame derives its power from being unspeakable and when we keep it inside it just grows But when we share it with someone who maybe responds with empathy it starts to lose its grip a bit She actually says that two most powerful words when we struggle as me too Third, I think you need to look at your character not your competence in that moment, but your character How did you show up? What values did you hold to?

And what did you do that? You're actually proud of even if the outcome wasn't perfect and fourth Separate the story from the data What do you actually know not what are you imagining fearing? Catastrophizing about what's the actual evidence and usually when I do that I realize i've constructed some kind of narrative From maybe just three data points Now i've just given you a bunch of frameworks and a few tools they're all useful But I think there's also something to mention here and I want to be honest about it because sometimes logic Isn't just what you need. I was talking to a great professional friend claire peep about this recently and we talked about How sometimes going through the logic, you know working through the frameworks. It just isn't enough

Sometimes you just need to get through the fields, don't you? I've learned this loads with my wife emma actually i'll be honest i've been frustrated in the past trying to help her through logic You know, here's a rational way to think about this. Here's what's actually true. Here's what you shouldn't feel that way And sometimes that's not actually what she needed. Sometimes it's not what any of us actually need. Sometimes you just need an ear

Sometimes you just need someone to listen without trying to fix Sometimes you need a distraction Sometimes you need to head out for dumplings. What's something mindless go for a run? Sometimes you just need quiet Just sitting with it not analyzing not reframing just being with it until it passes David Adley made a point that was worth raising too. He said sharing everything isn't always cathartic or correct It's about the right stuff at the right time So we're not oversharing either. We're about knowing what helps and what doesn't help strategic vulnerability if you like

So yes, i've given you some frameworks brennan brown adam grant stephen covey they help But don't beat yourself up if you can't think your way out of it in the moment. Sometimes feelings Just need to be felt and I think that's okay, too So here's what I want you to take away today If you've ever woken up feeling like you don't belong like everyone's about to find out that you're not good enough Like one imperfect piece of work to find your entire professional worth. You are so not alone This is incredibly common, especially among people who care deeply about their work But you don't have to believe everything you think the stories you're telling yourself about what others are thinking. They're probably not quite accurate Delete from this work wasn't perfect to I don't belong here. Well, that's shame talking. That's not reality

And your competence will fluctuate some days you're going to be awesome Some days not so much and that's just being human What matters is your character how you show up whether you hide whether you engage Whether you bring curiosity or defensiveness, maybe whether you reach out to people or retreat When I posted about this online, the support was just incredible But more than the kindness it was a sheer number of people saying I feel this too That's exactly what brennan brown means shame can't survive being shared when it's shared with people who respond with empathy And that's what happens. So thank you so much to everyone who reached out You proved that principle and next time you wake up feeling this way. Try asking yourself one of brennan brown's questions Is it self-taught focused on who I am or what I did if it's focused on who you are? That's shame and shame isn't helping you. It's not making you better. It is not protecting you

It's just keeping you stuck. So if you can shift that behavior to that piece of work wasn't my best work There's something you can do about it. I don't belong here. It's just a prison and if the logic doesn't land today That's fine. Sometimes you just need to feel it. You need to get through it

The frameworks will still be there tomorrow. You just be kind to yourself And remember you don't have to be everything Education leaders is hosted by me shame leaning thanks to the show editor people girl production assistant scalaro sturman and the original music by pma silver And thank you so so much for tuning in today If we don't speak before I'll see you here next week If you're interested in learning more about teaching walkthroughs or the international curriculum association check out the links in the show notes