Have You Got a Moment?

Someone knocks on your door and they say that famous phrase, have you got a moment? And your stomach drops because you know it is not just going to be a moment, right? But you say yes anyway, 20 minutes later, you're mentally exhausted, you're behind on everything and you're not actually even sure if it helped. Today, we're going to figure out what to do instead.

Hey, everyone. I'm Shane Leaning. Welcome to Education Leaders, the chat-topping leadership podcast for school leaders just like you. As an organisational coach, I've helped thousands of leaders worldwide leader with greater confidence, make better decisions and create winning teams.

And on this show, we explore the strategies that are going to help you achieve your goals and transform your leadership. This episode is supported by the International Curriculum Association and the International Centre for Coaching and Education. Stay tuned to learn more. Now, I'm actually recording this episode from an airport.

I'm on my way to Bangkok to do a bit of work with schools and I'm attending the Festival of Education. But I had a thought and I just couldn't shake it. So a few weeks back, I spoke with Brett Griffin on how he found a secret office space to get work done. Do you remember that?

It resonated with a lot of people because I think brilliant leaders need to hide. Sometimes they need protected thinking time. But the reality is that you can't always hide. Most of the time, your doors open, you're visible, you're accessible.

And, you know, that's important. So today's episode is the flip side of Brett's conversation, not about when and how to hide, but about what to do when you are not hidden and someone comes knocking at your door. Because let's face it, how many times even this week has someone knocked, poked their head in and said, have you got a moment? And how many times did you say yes when actually you didn't have a moment?

Not because you don't care about them, but because you were in the middle of something or mentally exhausted or knew you had a meeting in 10 minutes. But you said yes anyway. And then what happens? Well, you're half listening because you're checking the clock.

They're getting more wound up. Maybe 20 minutes later, nothing's actually resolved. You're behind schedule and you both feel a little bit frustrated. There's a really cool book on this by Greg McKeown.

He wrote Essentialism. He put it brilliantly. He basically said, if you don't prioritize your life, then someone else will. And I think that's exactly what's happening when you automatically say yes to every interruption.

So today I'm going to share with you a bit of a practical framework that's worked for me when handling this moment, when to say yes, when to say not right now, and when you do take the conversation, how to make it actually useful. So there was a head of year I worked with recently. We call her Rachel for this episode. So she prided herself on her open door.

She knew that staff could come to her any time. She thought that's what good leadership looked like. In fact, many people have commented since Brett's episode to say the same. But by Wednesday, she was exhausted every week, not from the work itself, but from the constant interruptions, from absorbing everyone else's stress, from feeling like she was constantly reacting instead of actually leading.

She'd be like writing a report and someone would knock and so she'd drop everything off. Maybe she'd be in the middle of planning a parent meeting. Another knock, she'd switch gears. Or maybe she's just about to leave for the end of the day.

Someone would catch her. She'd stay for another 30 minutes. Now, none of these conversations were planned. None had really clear outcomes.

Most weren't actually even urgent. They just felt urgent in the moment. And Rachel, she started resenting it. I remember talking during coaching and then feeling guilty about that resentment actually, that classic leadership trap.

But what was actually happening is that Rachel hadn't actually even been distinguished between being accessible and being available in a moment. She thought saying, not right now, meant that she didn't care. But I find coming back to McEwan's work really helpful here because he says that essentialists see boundaries a little bit differently. Most people think boundaries are constraining, but actually, boundaries can be liberating and they protect the ability for you to do your best work.

When you are mentally exhausted or in the middle of something that's important, you can't give people what they actually need anyway, because you're distracted. You're trying to just get through it quickly. You're not even really present. So you're not helping them, right?

You're just making yourself feel like you tried. So the first step in handling these moments is what I call a doorway decision. Takes about five seconds. So someone knocks and they say, have you got a moment?

Now, before you automatically say yes, pause. Literally pause. It is not rude. It's thoughtful.

And ask yourself three questions when you do that pause. Just in your head. First, can I give this person what they actually need right now? The question isn't, do they deserve my time?

Of course they do. The question is whether right now serves them or whether it just makes you both feel like you're doing something. McEwen talks about this in his book about trade-offs. We're always making trade-offs, whether we acknowledge them or not.

The question is, are you making this trade-off deliberately or are you letting someone else make it for you? If you're mentally exhausted, you can't think clearly about their problem. If you're in the middle of something urgent, you're going to be distracted. Or if you've got a meeting in five minutes time, you are going to be watching the clock instead of listening.

You're nodding along. I know you recognize this. Second question, what state are they in? Is this a natural emergency basically?

Genuine urgency that can't wait. Or is it something that feels urgent to them in this moment but actually isn't? You know, there's a big difference between a student just said something concerning about self-harm and I'm frustrated about how meeting just went. Both matter, both deserve attention, but only one of those can't wait.

And third, you need to be asking, what's my schedule actually look like? If you've genuinely got time, great. But if you've got 10 minutes before something else, then that's not enough for most conversation. It is better to schedule it properly rather than rush it.

Now, when I worked with Rachel, she learned this. We worked on it over time. So she learned what to do. Someone knocks, she pauses, she runs through those questions and she responds honestly.

In example, I want to give this proper attention. Go on meeting in 10 minutes so I can't do it justice right now. Could we book 30 minutes this afternoon? Or is this genuinely, I can't wait, urgent?

Most of the time, it's not urgent and people appreciate the honesty. They'd rather have her full attention later than her distracted attention now. Now, when you decide to take the conversation, the next 30 seconds in that conversation matter enormously because what you need to do here is set what I would call a container of the conversation. So these are clear boundaries around time, about what you're trying to achieve and about what happens if you need more time.

Those three things. We're not trying to be cold here or transactional, but we just want to be clear so that the conversation is actually useful. Here's an example of what that might sound like. So I said, come in.

I've got 15 minutes before my next meeting. So let's figure out what needs to happen next. And if we need more time, we can schedule it properly. Simple as that.

Notice what you've just done there. You've been explicit about three things. First time, 15 minutes. Not a few minutes, not some time you said 15 minutes.

They know when you need to stop and you know when you need to stop. Nobody's wondering if the other person's getting impatient because you set that. You've also set the outcome. We're going to figure out what needs to happen next.

Not we're going to solve everything. Not make them feel completely better. We're just going to work out our next step. That's manageable.

That's achievable in 15 minutes, right? And finally, you set an exit strategy. We said, if we need more time, we'll schedule it. You have given them permission to need more and you've also given yourself permission to stop at 15 minutes without feeling guilty.

And this simple framing changes everything. It really helped me because it makes the conversation become focused instead of rambly. You both know what success looks like. And when those 15 minutes are up, you can just end naturally.

This episode is supported by the International Center for Coaching in Education. And I am actually on their current cohort. I don't recommend anything I don't believe in. And I am genuinely excited to be strengthening my coaching practice this year.

The ILM Level 7 Certificate in Executive Coaching is built specifically for senior leaders in international schools. It's fully online, really practical. And honestly, learning alongside other school leaders who get the context we work in has been brilliant. If coaching is something you want to develop properly, not just dabbling, head to theicce.org

or click the link in the show notes and listeners to this podcast get an exclusive 5% discount using the code SHANE5. This episode is supported by the International Curriculum Association. Now I've been working with the ICA for quite a few years, but they've been around for 30 years and they've been around championing quality, unlocking potential and improving learning in international schools right around the world. I really, really love that at their core is a model for improving learning.

And this model is focused on the learning experience and they have tons of great curriculum materials, PD resources and even an accreditation pathway for schools just like yours. So if you're interested and I really do recommend you check them out, head over to internationalcurriculum.com. So you've gotten to this point, you've set the container, now comes the hard bit, actually listening, right?

Without absorbing their emotion, without taking on their problem as if it's yours to solve. Regular listeners of the podcast know I'm a big fan of Michael Bongestania who wrote the coaching habit. It's a bestselling coaching book of this century and his core principle is simple but really powerful. Stay curious a little longer and rush to giving advice a little more slowly.

He talks about something he calls the advice monster, which is that little voice in the eye that jumps straight into solving the problem. Someone comes in stressed and immediately her brain starts generating solutions but that actually doesn't help them develop their own capability. So how do you listen in a conversation without absorbing? Well, three ways.

Three ways again, power of three. Firstly, you're gonna stay curious instead of responsible. This is straight from Michael Bongestania's work. When someone's upset, your instinct might be to jump in with the solutions, to fix it, to make them feel better right now, but that doesn't actually help them develop their own capability to handle difficult situations.

Instead, you wanna be asking questions. What's the most challenging part of this for you? What have you tried already or what do you think should happen next? Michael Bongestania has got this brilliant question and what else, which I love.

It just keeps people thinking deeper rather than stopping at their first answer and what else, and what else? You're helping them think, not doing the thinking problem. Second, you're gonna reflect back without problem solving. So when they share something, reflect it back in your own words.

You might say, so what I'm hearing is you're frustrated because you've tried addressing this twice and it's still happening. Is that right? And this does two things. It shows you're listening and it helps them hear their own situation more clearly.

Often, they're actually gonna start problem solving themselves once they hear it reflected back. This is so common. Many coaches know this. And third, you're gonna help them process.

Don't process for them. Their emotion is theirs to manage. That's a really hard lesson for you to learn. It's not yours.

That sounds really harsh, but it's actually respectful. You're treating them as capable adults who can regulate their own emotion without support. So if they're getting wound up, you might say something like, it can see this is really affecting you. What do you need right now to think clearly about next steps?

That kind of phrase, you're acknowledging their emotion. You're not dismissing it, but you're also not absorbing it as your job to make it go away. I think it was my colleague Stenner again, who actually said that we often play this rescuer role, which actually, when we're in that role, we create independency rather than capability. And it's better to stay curious and help them find their own way forward.

Now, when your time is up or when you've figured out the next step, you need to close that conversation very clearly. And this is where a lot of those impromptu conversations actually fall apart because they just drift off. Someone looks at their watch, makes an excuse, backs out of the room, and nothing's actually resolved. There's no clear next steps and it's just kind of a vague sense that something's happened.

Instead, I want you to end with clarity, even if you haven't solved everything, even if they're still upset, you can still be clear about what happens next. It's really important. So here's a very simple framework for ending the conversation. Firstly, you're gonna summarize what you've discussed.

So, okay, we've talked about the situation with that student. You've tried contacting parents twice. You're worried about their attendance, right? So we've summarized.

Then you're gonna confirm the next step. You're gonna try one more email today. And if you don't hear back by Friday, we're gonna escalate that to the year two meeting. And then you check their understanding.

So you say, does that feel like a clear next step? And you're gonna then schedule a follow-up. So let's touch base Friday afternoon either way, but 15 minutes in my calendar. And that's it.

Summarize, you confirm, you check the schedule. It takes 30 seconds, but it will ensure that you have not got a vague conversation. You've got something that's actionable. And you know, sometimes the next step is just sleep on it.

Sometimes it's have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding. Sometimes we'll discuss this in next week's meeting. All of those are fine, but the point is they're all clear, they're clarity. Both of you know what is happening next.

No one's wondering if something got lost or forgotten. So let's flip this slightly. Let's talk about the thing that makes people uncomfortable. When to say not right now or how to say not right now.

Most leaders I work with struggle with this. They think saying no means they don't care or that they're not accessible in some way or that they're somehow failing as a leader. But you know, I have seen something totally different to that. The leaders who actually are good at saying not right now appropriately are actually more helpful to their teams because when they do take the conversations, they are fully present.

McEwen, the author of Essentialism, he has got this great line. Half the troubles in this life can be traced down to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. I love that. It really resonates for school leaders.

So when should you say not right now? Well, when you're mentally exhausted. If you're running on empty, you can't think clearly about their problem anyway. So you're better in that situation to acknowledge that and schedule it properly.

You might say, look, I wanna give this proper attention. I am mentally fried right now. Could we book a time tomorrow when I can think more clearly? This is really not weak.

It's really honest and it serves them better than a distracted conversation. Or what if you're in the middle of something that genuinely can't wait? Well, you may be preparing for a difficult parent meeting that you've got in 10 minutes and you can't give someone else your proper attention. What do you need to say?

I'm preparing for something urgent right now. Let's book some time this afternoon. Is this genuinely can't wait urgent or could it hold a few hours? When it is the third interruption in half an hour, there's a point where you need to protect your ability to do some sustained work.

Otherwise you are gonna be constantly reactive, never proactive. So I need to finish something that's got a deadline. Let's book a time for later today. Does that sound good?

There's a pattern here, right? You're not saying no, you're saying not right now and you're offering an alternative. That is still just as accessible. You're just not available at any random moment.

So let's bring this all together. So someone knocks at your door and they say, have you got a moment? Here are the steps. Step one, pause and assess.

Can I give them what they need right now? What state are they in? What does my schedule look like? Step two, you're gonna set the container.

Be really explicit about the time, be explicit about the outcome and the follow-up. I've got 15 minutes. Let's figure out what needs to happen next. Step three is to stay curious.

Not responsible. Michael Bungustini has said, he says stay curious a little bit longer, rush to advice a little more slowly. Help them think rather than thinking for them. And then you're gonna end with clarity.

Summarize, confirm next steps, schedule follow-up if needed. And when you need to say not right now, you do it very clearly and you always offer an alternative. Now, what this framework's not gonna do is eliminate your interruptions. Of course, that's not the goal, but the goal is to handle them in a way that actually serves people instead of just exhausting you both.

Remember, a few weeks ago, Brett Griffin's conversation about needing that secret office, that's still important. You need protected thinking time, but you also need a system for when you're visible and accessible. This is that system. Open door policy is all well and good, but it doesn't mean your door is always open.

It means that when people come through it, they get your full attention. And sometimes that attention is, let's schedule properly so I can give this the time it deserves. If you don't prioritize your life, just like Greg McEwen said, someone else will. And these small moments of deciding what deserves your immediate attention, well, that's you prioritizing.

That's you protecting your ability to do your best work. So try it this week. Notice what changes. I would love to hear how it goes.

Education Leaders is hosted by me, Shane Leaning. Big thanks to my show editor, Pete McGilffe, production assistant, Skyler O'Sturman, and for the original music by Kiime Silva. And thank you so, so much for tuning in today. If we don't speak before, I'll see you here next week.

If you want to learn more about the brilliant work of the Teacher Development Trust and the International Curriculum Association, you can find them using the links in the show notes.